Sunday, August 12, 2012

Life's Like an Hourglass Glued to the Table

"2 AM and I'm still awake writing a song.  If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to.  And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd cause these words are my diary screaming out loud, and I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table.  No one can find the rewind button now.  Sing it if you understand.  And breathe, just breathe..."

~Breathe (2AM) Anna Nalick

Breathe, just breathe.  That's been my motto for the past couple of weeks.  It's been a while since I have given an actual update on the emotional status of Emo Marie.  That's because I was scared that that once I started typing the words, I wouldn't be able to control them and they would not stop.  There have been so many times I have written posts in my head, but haven't been able to sit down and write anything of importance.

People have been asking me over and over the past few weeks how I have been doing.  I give the appropriate "Oh, I am doing ok" response, when inside I am screaming that I am not ok at all, and I don't know when things are going to be alright again.

Breathe, just breathe...

For starters, my stupid biological clock is ticking so loudly that I think my cousin KiKi in Germany can probably hear it.  For some reason, I always knew deep inside that I would not have kids after I turned 35.  Well lo and behold, that dreaded birthday is creeping up on me.  It is no longer years away, it is a matter of a couple of months.  Now, every hour that passes is like another grain of sand dropping down in the hourglass that I can never get back.  I know deep, deep inside that a miracle could happen and I could get pregnant in the next few weeks, but with our medical issues and the way things have been going lately, I just know that is not going to happen.

It's like I have been trying to write the final chapter and close the book on an unfinished story, and the writer inside of me just doesn't know how to do that.  Never would I have imagined that not being able to have a baby would be something that I would have to deal with.  And honestly, it's killing me.  It's something I want so badly, and I don't know how to let the dream go.  I am truly trying, but I am struggling.

I have a stash of baby clothes, blankets, and miscellaneous trinkets from when Little Man was a baby stored in a friend's storage shed.  I have been holding on to them in the hopes that if we did get pregnant, it would be a boy and I could reuse them.  I think it is time that I go get them and go through them, keeping the most precious to me, and sell or donate the rest.  I think the best course of action for me at this point is to lock all of the emotions up inside my internal lock-box and move on right now, because they are overwhelming me and have been affecting my everyday life.  I know I will have to deal with them at some point, but I just can't right now.

Breathe, just breathe...

Then there is the struggle with being a working mom.  Work has been crazy the past couple of weeks.  In our industry, that is an amazing problem to have and I would never complain about it because so many companies have shut down the last couple of years due to lack of business.  I love my company and my co-workers, and am going to continue to do my best to help keep that from happening.

But I have been so emotionally and physically exhausted after work, that I come home and fall on the couch and struggle to stay awake until it's time to put Little Man to bed.  I have had trouble focusing, and have not been doing anything around the house that I need to.  I have to find a way to get back into the swing of things and keep up with our chore and laundry schedule that I made.

Breathe, just breathe...

My aunt, who recently lost her battle with cancer, passed away recently.  It has been a huge emotional drain on our family, and my heart has been with my uncle and my mom while they worked their way through everything.  It has brought how extremely precious each and every second we have with our loved ones is into sharp focus.  You never know what tomorrow will bring, and you should treasure each and every day that you have.

My uncle is a truck driver and is back out on the road now, but I hope he knows how much I love him and that my thoughts and prayers are with him through this difficult time.

Breathe, just breathe...

I won't go into detail now, because I plan on blogging about it in more detail at some point, but another struggle I have been having recently is the balance of being an overly-emotional wife to an overly-logical husband.  Fire and ice don't always mix, and it has been hard to find a safe middle ground lately.

Breathe, just breathe...

The last big thing I have been dealing with is our struggles with Little Man.  When he came back from his long summer visitation, he was doing so great.  He loved his room make-over, and all the plastic containers with lids seem to provide him a great way to deal with all the items in his room.  He was cleaning his room and putting things up without having to be told, and was holding conversations with others and using his manners on a regular basis.  We were amazed!

However, he has slowly slipped back into his old patterns and we don't know what the trigger or the key is to help him maintain doing so well.  We don't want to put him back on the ADHD medicine, because the side effects far outweigh the small amount of benefit he gets from it.  However, with school coming up in a couple of weeks, we know he will not be able to adjust without finding what that key or trigger is.  We are working with his psychologist and doctor to try and find something that will help him without too many side effects, but I have a feeling it will be a slow trial and error process.

In the meantime, the stress of trying to have parental conversations with a little person who can talk circles are you and is so extremely literal is exhausting.  I end up staring at him with nothing coming out of my mouth, because I just don't know what to say.  If he ends up deciding to become a lawyer, I feel sorry for the judges that have to deal with him in court.  I apologize in advance.

Breathe, just breathe...

So for now, I am just going to keep breathing.  I need to get back to blogging because that was helping me, but trying to find the time and energy lately has been difficult to say the least.  I have a stockpile of photos, topics, and projects I have worked on, I just need to sit down and do the writing part.

Sorry for the long post, but I figured I should just go ahead and get it all out while I was at it.  Later today, I plan on trying a sourdough chocolate cake recipe that I found on the King Arthur web site if I have all of the ingredients, so stay tuned for the results.  And don't be surprised if you see projects from a far back as Father's Day showing up for Make Something Monday.

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